Learning to Speak to Myself with Love: An Endless Lesson
My alarm clock starts gradually increasing in volume as I awaken. Rolling over, I peel my eyes open, turn it off, then begin to sit up in bed. Piper is at my feet, a curled up croissant of a pup, and I give her many morning snuggles and kisses. Another month has gone by. Swinging my feet over to the floor, I say good morning to Ryan across the bed and begin to make my way out of our room and down the hallway to the closet where I grab another pregnancy test and follow the same process as usual. And the same result comes. While hopeful it would be different, it’s nearly always been the same.
Once a month, every month, for almost 45 months, you’d think it would become something easier, something that you get used to. As any woman who has been trying to get pregnant for years may tell you, this is a common story.
And then, my mind starts talking to itself.
Our minds talk to themselves. In circles, it seems.
And a circle that I had begun to recognize as a common one in this particular story, is not one where I am talking to myself with love. Sometimes, I notice it soon and can break the cycle, before even leaving the bathroom, but other times, it takes longer—a spiral that takes me out until I sleep it off by the next morning (and even other times, longer). It seems as though there’s something deep in there that is saying things I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy, but somehow my mind is speaking these things to myself.
As a yoga student, I spend many hours observing these depths of my own mind.
I have learned to notice, quite quickly, when my mind is stuck in its conditioning vs. acting in a way that is true and beneficial.
We all have this ability, as humans. To notice. The real power is in remaining non-judgmental with what you notice, so that you may eventually “let go of what does not serve you” (A cliche, but nonetheless true).
What do I mean by, acting in a way that is beneficial?
Essentially, speaking to myself with kindness, love, and care, rather than judgment, fear and hate.
Speaking to ourselves in a way that is filled with unconditional compassion, rather than violence.
This isn’t really rocket science, and I understand that some people may be rolling their eyes at my stating of the seemingly obvious, but I do think even the most basic principles require revisiting. Through repetition, comes mastery. And the types of thoughts that repeat themselves in our mind, over time, become the ones that we master (whether we want to or not). The sooner we are able to notice the thoughts we have that are violent in nature, the sooner we will be able to realize the patterns that cause them, and the sooner we will be able to remove or replace them with … the truth. That we are worthy: of unconditional, divine love, regardless of the circumstances.
From The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, it is proposed that an important foundation of yoga (that is, the practice which unites us with our divine nature), is the observance of Ahimsa. Ahimsa translates from Sanskrit to English as non-violence.
We are to be nonviolent not only in our actions, but our words, and our thoughts.
Which is why I think it is important to start with ourselves. Because our thoughts are the root of our words and the root of our actions.
“If we can’t be safe with ourselves, others can never be safe with us, and the world can never be a safe place to be.” - Deborah Adele
Now, it’s not as easy as choosing to not be violent. It’s not as easy as telling your brain to “stop thinking violent thoughts.” It is an active practice of deep and true empathy towards ourselves, as humans. Once we’re able to have true and honest empathy towards ourselves, we gain a deeper understanding for how and why we feel and think the way that we do.
When I think to myself things like—I must have done something to deserve this [insert ‘bad’ feeling here], I’m not good enough for the life that I want, or any number of other things that I’m sure some people may relate to—here’s what I do now: I offer myself empathy, for feeling whatever feeling it is that I’m feeling, I think “how human of me” to have feelings. HOW HUMAN OF US ALL TO FEEL HOW WE FEEL. It feels warm, like a hug from a dear one, to offer myself empathy and understanding. I offer myself compassion, by choosing to do things I need in that moment that are in an effort towards taking care of myself (listening to music, taking a shower, or reading a book). I offer myself patience, to feel whatever I’m feeling fully, to allow space for the emotion to process, rather than trying to pretend that it’s not there.
In all of these ways and more, we can practice nonviolence. We can all, every day, nurture the seed of Ahimsa in our hearts. Then, one day, someday, maybe soon or far in the distant future, we’ll find ourselves in the same place, the same situation, and the pathway through the woods of the mind towards violence will be overgrown, so that the thoughts now naturally take the path towards kindness. And in that, our repetition formed a new path, from the seed through the root to the plant of compassion growing not only deep into our veins, through the marrow of our bones, but also outward—out of our physical bodies through the air, through the ether, to all those we meet and beyond.
Creating a world filled with more peace, more love, and less violence.
It doesn’t take just doing it once. It’s a constant practice of learning to speak to ourselves with love. So that others may do the same, and that naturally, without effort, we’re able to exist in infinite love with others.
Maybe an imaginary wish. Or a far-fetched dream. But it’s only possible if we work on ourselves first.
And so, I will.
And the months will go on, and it will become easier. In reality, it already has. Each month I’m given the opportunity to learn more about myself and my life, to grow in my relationship to my husband, and to garner more grace towards myself amongst the inevitable ups and downs of life.
I gave you an example of one small piece of my life in which I regularly practice this concept. In what parts of your life are you able to join me; in what parts of your life are you able to offer yourself more compassion, too?
Leave a comment below or send me an email at sharingcalmyoga@gmail.com to continue the conversation.
Embrace self-love and compassion in this 25-minute guided meditation inspired by the principle of Ahimsa (non-violence).
In the following meditation, we’ll begin with grounding breath work, followed by a loving-kindness meditation to help you nurture kindness and gentleness toward yourself. Settle into stillness and allow this practice to be a reminder that you deserve care, ease, and compassion—just as much as anyone else.
Take a deep breath, and let’s begin.
